How it all began - ( Thaka thimi tha! )

I strive to be a spiritual aspirant and a beginner - novice level at that.

As we (the seekers) proceed on with our journey, few unpleasant stark realities of our very nature bare themselves and surface the mind.Some of them, like good kids, listen to us and quieten themselves. Few others, rant and needs repeated blows to shut their nonstop blabber. Some desires, boss over and take complete control.

"Hey aren't u supposed to be chanting god's name...remember thats your very purpose of this birth" wise woman in me blurts out weakly.

"Chant who? Chant why? Look at me, I am here, alive and kicking...you better do something about me" says another powerful voice.

The voice that boss over me, clearly mocks over my incompetence and my inherent deep ache to dance! No! It is not an ordinary ache to ignore. Everytime I see a live dance performance, especially a classical dance, unknown emotions arise and I become oblivious to the surroundings. I feel, this is something "I should be doing". Why am I sitting here and watching? Shame on me! Thankfully god has been very kind, to let me be creative and go wild with imaginations. You can even go on to nick name me as "alice2 in her wonderland". Alice in me wakes up, goes to the stage and does all those poses, fast-paced movements so gracefully. Then, I feel happy and complete. I feel it is my duty, my very nature to dance. second nature infact!

Stop there. Dont believe the alice in me and ask me to dance. You may have a laugh of your lifetime watching me dance. Dancer in me, was never born. She was always there, sleeping silently from the time unknown. I realised her strong presence, so powerfully, at a very tender age. I had been to a theatre, probably my very first movie on classical dance.

It was telugu movie "Shankarabharanam". Big lively faces, filled with emotions and there she was dancing to the tunes of waves, sea and nature. Spell bound I was, watching her dance. She was like carved sculpture come alive. And then soemthing happened in me, emotions stirred, "Chandramukhi" in me woke up. There was an ache deep inside, which went unexplained. As a child, I wanted to be her. I wanted to dance. Dance to the tunes of nature. Dance to the tunes of Jathi and music and rhythm.

What I had was not heroine worship. It was the worship of dance. When I was in teens, I went on to admire "Padma bhushan" kalaimaamani - Padma Subramaniam. Shri Kalki Krishnamoorthi didn't forget to do his job, when he introduced me to shivagami. Ive always felt very purpose of life is to dance.

Having said that, I took my first little step to partake in dance. I did do a group dance, at a very tender age and with that my career in dance, came to an abrupt end. Why? Because, our school dance teacher realised, I lacked grace completely. How can that happen to someone who always wanted to be a dancer, and feels she has been a dancer from ages unknown. Unfortunately, the pathetic incident did happen and put an end to my dance career. I was not selected for subsequent group dance. I decided NEVER to venture in any dance trials ever again.

Adding fuel to the fire, is the question, most strangers ask me.

"Hello you seem familiar. Are you by any chance a dancer!"

Oh yeah..pour on, and I lick my wound thinking 'atleast I LOOK like a dancer!'

As newly weds, my husband and myself were requested to dance for newyear eve. I somehow mustered courage to climb the stage, did twist n twirl for less than half a minute, all the way feeling too insecure, self conscious and completely awkward.

I admire anyone who can shake their body rhythimically. Alice in me wakes up and dances along to cater to my temporary ache. Some of my friends, who are very good dancers themselves, did make an effort to teach me to dance, alas everything turned futile.

It seems God does cosmic dance. Dear God, Here is your devotee, not even able to do a single dance gesture. Do you hear that God?

Lot of times, after secretly ensuring nobody is around I go on to pose some bhavas before the mirror to quench the dancer-thirst in me. In some unknown arena of mind, there is a dancer, who knew dancing and was 'VERY' good at that....and she forgot her dance today. In some era, some birth, eons ago she was a dancer. Today, she only fancies that she dances to the tune of every rhythm .

Herez the first memory which shook the dancer in me.