January 12, 2013

How it all began - ( Thaka thimi tha! )

I strive to be a spiritual aspirant and a beginner - novice level at that.

As we proceed on with our journey, few unpleasant stark realities of our very nature bare themselves and surface our mind.Some of them, like good kids, listen to us and quieten themselves. Few others, rant and needs repeated blows to shut their non stop blabber. Some desires, boss over and take complete control.

"Hey aren't u supposed to be chanting god's name...remember thats your very purpose of this birth" wise woman in me blurts out weakly.

"Chant who? Chant why? Look at me, I am here, alive and kicking...you better do something about me" says another powerful voice.

The voice that boss over me, clearly mocks over my incompetence and my inherent deep ache to dance! No! It is not an ordinary ache to let past by. Everytime I see a live dance performance, especially a classical dance, unknown emotions rise within me and I become oblivious to the surroundings. I feel, this is something "I should be doing". Why am I sitting here and watching? Shame on me! Thankfully god has been very kind to me, to give abundance of talent to be creative with dreams and  imaginations. You can even go on to nick name me as "alice2 in her wonderland". Alice in me wakes up, goes on to the stage and does all those poses, fast-paced movements so gracefully. Then, I feel so happy and complete. I feel it has been my very nature to dance. My second nature infact!

Stop there. Dont believe the alice in me and ask me to dance. You may have a laugh of your lifetime watching me dance. Dancer in me, was never born. She was always there, sleeping silently from the time unknown. I realised her strong presence, so powerfully, at a very tender age. I had been to a theatre, probably my very first movie on classical dance.

It was none other than telugu movie "Shankarabharanam". Big lively faces, filled with emotions and there she was dancing to the tunes of waves, sea and nature. Spell bound I was, watching her dance. She was like carved sculpture come alive. And then soemthing happened in me, some kind of "chandramukhi" in me woke up. There was an ache deep inside me, a sorrowful ache, which went unexplained. As a child, I wanted to be her. I wanted to dance. Dance to the tunes of nature. Dance to the tunes of Jathi and music and rhythm.

What I had was not heroine worship. It was worship of dance. Next, I went on to admire "Padma bhushan" kalaimaamani - Padma Subramaniam. Shri Kalki Krishnamoorthi didn't forget to do his job, when he introduced me to shivagami. Ive always felt very purpose of life is to dance.

Having said that, I took my first little step to partake in dance. I did do a group dance, at a very tender age and with that my career in dance, came to an abrupt end. Why? Because, our school dance teacher realised, I lacked grace completely. How can that happen to someone who always wanted to be a dancer, and feels she has been a dancer from ages unknown. Unfortunately such a pathetic incident did happen and put an end to my dance career. I was not selected for subsequent group dance. I decided NEVER to venture in any dance trials ever again.

Adding fuel to the fire, is the question, most strangers used to ask me.

"Hello you seem familiar. Are you by any chance a dancer!"

Oh yeah..pour on, and I lick my wound thinking 'atleast I LOOK like a dancer!'

As newly weds, my husband and myself were requested to dance for newyear eve. I somehow mustered courage to climb the stage, did twist n twirl for less than half a minute, all the way feeling too insecure, self conscious and completely awkward.

I admire anyone who can shake their body rhythimically. Alice in me wakes up and dances along to cater to my temporary ache. Some of my friends, who are very good dancers themselves, did make an effort to teach me to dance, alas everything turned futile.

It seems God does cosmic dance. Here is your devotee, not even able to do a dance gesture. Do you hear that God?

Lot of times, after secretly ensuring nobody is around I go on to pose some bhavas before the mirror to quench the dancer-thirst in me. In some unknown arena of mind, there is a dancer, who knew dancing and was quiet good at that. She forgot her dance today, in her memory she dances, to the tunes of every rhythm alive.

Herez the first memory which shook the dancer in me.